The Kingdom of Aristotelia

Aristotelians had always demanded the establishment of clear-cut and simple boundry lines with the neighboring countries. But none of the Absurdian principalities could ever seem to agree on an equitable boundry system.

In 1721 King Huffinpout III decided to settle the boundry issue once and for all by simply confiscating all of the Absurdian principalities and unifying them in the name of the Crown. But after several months of heavy fighting, his troops were finally repelled, and King Huffinpout III abdicated the throne.

"If I can't get it all, Then I don't want nothin'!" he declared as he fled into exile. But his famous "All-or-Nothing" speech had had a profound effect on the Aristotlian parliment, and even now still represents the principal guideline governing the policies of the kingdom.

Today, Aristotelia is a modern and industialized country, although some of its technologies and philosophies might be regarded as somewhat strange, especially by American standards. For example Aristotelian cameras do not work properly with color film, as they are designed to record only black and white images with no shades of gray.

Similarly, Aristotelian-built automobiles (which come in your choice of either black or white) have gas guages that indicate only FULL or EMPTY, and speedometers that indicate only MOVING or STOPPED.

In the kitchen, Aristotelian ovens have only two settings: OFF and HOT. Consequently, all food in the kingdom is eaten either raw or burned.

Aristotelian clocks display time only as DAY or NIGHT. Because when the day comes to an end in Aristotelia, there isn't any gradual period of twilight -- it just suddenly becomes totally dark!

The Aristotelian educational system, which is run by the Aristotelian Academic Administration (or AAA, not to be confused with the Aristotelian Automobile Association), is the finest in the land. All students in the kingdom are required by law to attend the Aristotelian Royal Majesty's Provincial Institue of Technology, affectionately known as ARMPIT. There they are instructed in the "All-or-Nothing" philosophies of old King Huffinpout III.

Upon completion of their studies, each student is given a grade of "pass" or "fail." Those students who pass come out of ARMPIT smelling like a rose, for they now know absolutely everything there is to know! On the other hand, those students who fail are promptly expelled from ARMPIT, and they become the dregs of society who are totally uneducated and who know absolutely nothing about anything.

When an Aristotelian finishes school and joins the workforce, he receives the same salary as any other graduate, regardless of the type of job or the number of hours he has to work. Similarly, all non-graduates are paid absolutely nothing for their labors, since they are obviously not qualified to do anything.

Farming in Aristotelia is one of the most hazardous professions in the kingdom. When an Aristotelian farmer plants seeds, they don't just slowly germinate into seedlings. Instead, fully grown plants instantly shoot up out of the ground, hurling rocks and dirt for hundreds of miles in all directions. Because of the danger, the Aristotelian Aviation Agency (or AAA, not to be confused with the Aristotelian Academic Administration) prohibits commercial aircraft from flying over agricultural regions during the planting season. Furthermore the Aristotelian Academy of Astronomers (or AAA, not to be confused with the Aristotelian Aviation Agency) has speculated that many of the meteors that appear each August in the annual Perseid meteor shower are actually just bits and pieces of Aristotelian farmland reentering the earth's atmosphere.

Because all forms of plant and animal life emerge instantly and fully developed in Aristotelia, the kingdom has no need for abortion clinics or pediatricians. Immediately upon conception a newborn Aristotelian instantly emerges as a fully-grown adult. Therefore, it is not at all uncommon for an Aristotelian man to go to bed with a woman and wake up the next morning to find himself in bed with two women!

In the area of fine art, Aristotelian painters rank among the finest in the world. Who among us has never seen the immortal masterpiece, "Polar Bears in a Snow Storm," or the majestically beautiful, "Coal Mine at Midnight?" And in the field of music, Aristotelian musicians are in a class by themselves. In fact almost every household in the kingdom has an Aristotelian piano in its parlor, and even the little children have become quite proficient at repeatedly pressing down on its one and only key.

In April of each year the Association of Aristotelian Artists (or AAA, not to be confused with the Aristotelian Academy of Astronomers) broadcasts its national music competition in search of new and talented Aristotelian musicians. In 1912 the grand prize was awarded to a strange and wonderously beautiful new piece of music that had suddenly appeared on the radio. But it was later discovered that the music was merely a distress call from the S. S. Titanic.

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In the area of athletic competition, Aristotelian athletes are consistent winners. In the 100-meter dash, for example, the winner is everybody who crosses the finish line, regardless of who gets there first. In this way, everyone has an equal chance of winning, and the faster runners don't have an unfair advantage over the slower ones. As unbelievable as it may seem, almost every Aristotelian athelete who has ever competed in the 100-meter dash has won -- all except for Harvey Klutz back in the Summer Games of 1937.

There had been an unusual amount of inclement weather that year, and the start of the 100-meter dash had to be delayed until late afternoon because of an unexpected thunder storm. When the weather finally cleared up and the beautiful black and white rainbow appeared in the Aristotelian sky, the track officials once again prepared to start the race.

The starting gun was fired, and the contestants were off and running! But just then the sun went down, and the sudden darkness caught poor Harvey Klutz in mid-stride. Before he could slow down, Harvey accidentally ran into a tree and had to be carried away on a stretcher. The other contestants, however, all had the foresight to tie little flashlights onto their shoes in the event of just such an emergency. So all of those "light-footed" runners succeeded in finishing the race.

Aristotelian Pole Vaulting is also an equally exciting event. The Aristotelian Athletic Association (or AAA, not to be confused with the Association of Aristotelian Artists) draws a thin white line on the ground with a piece of chalk, and the contestents are required to pole vault over it without knocking it down. Once again, every Aristotelian athelete who has ever competed in pole vaulting has been fantastically successful at it!

The Aristotelian all-or-nothing mentality also governs the kingdom's judicial system. When a person is placed on trial for a crime, a jury delares him to be either totally guilty, or else he's found to be not guilty at all.

An Aristotelian reaches "legal age" at the moment of his twenty-first birthday. At that precise instant in time he suddenly becomes as equally mature and wise as every other adult in the kingdom -- except, of course, for those citizens who are over thirty-five years of age. Because the moment that Aristotelian turns thirty-five, he once again receives a second jolt of new wisdom and maturity, and can then run for the office of King if he so chooses.

And when voting for a new king, each Aristotelian over the age of eighteen gets exactly one whole vote -- while each Aristotelian under the age of eighteen gets absolutely no vote at all.

I don't know about you, but after hearing about the Aristotelian way of life it sure makes me proud to be an American, where we would never even think of doing any of those kinds of stupid things!